


These are my confessions.

by Hiya96



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27254764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiya96/pseuds/Hiya96
Summary: Now Tian was closer. Holding his face, not strong or hurting but gentle and caring. Mo knew his face was not hiding what his heart had discovered. It was terrifying.
Relationships: He Tian & Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 82





	1. Nunc scio quid sit amor.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a manhwa owned by Old Xian.  
> Story begins after chapter 338.
> 
> Hope you enjoy~

Mo forgot about everything, his nightmare, she li.  
His thoughts being completely consumed by Tian, his smile. 

Mo felt something inside that tightened around his heart. He knew when he heard Tian laugh. He knew the moment he turned around.

_Shit..this can't be.._

Now Tian was closer. Holding his face, not strong or hurting but gentle and caring. Mo knew his face was not hiding what his heart had discovered. It was terrifying. 

They forgot about their surroundings for a few seconds. Mo had the urge to touch Tian's face the same way. Wanted to know what it felt like holding someone like that. But it was too soon to act on this overwhelming feeling. 

He held both Tian's wrists to remove his hands. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Whatever he was experiencing, it may not be reciprocated and he doesn't want to take the risk of getting hurt.  
He will take his secret to the grave..

'I..i..iidiot.' Is all he could say before he turned around and left. 

'Don't be shy now, little Mo~ Oh and don't forget to come to my place after school!' 

He would like to stay and tell Tian all about this nightmare and his unclear mind but he just couldn't do it. He held his shirt tight above his heart. It hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English isn't my first, second nor third language, to tell you the truth it's my fifth language...so please be kind :)


	2. Repellunt.

Mo was cutting the carrots that he would later add in the curry. He didn't notice that his finger was too close to the knife. 

'AW SHIT.' It wasn't his first time cutting his fingers but it hurts like hell every single time. 

'Goddamnit..' 

That's what he gets for not focusing with a fucking knife in his hand. 

Tian was immediately in the kitchen when he heard Mo yell. He was focusing on the bleeding finger, there was a lot of blood for a stupid small cut. The wound must be too deep. He took Mo's hand and puts in under cold water. Mo looked straight at Tian's face that was now way too close. 

'Stay here.' 

He couldn't really move anyway.   
Tian left him, all confused and messed up. Mo couldn't shake off the image of Tian's concerned face. Shit, this is getting out of hand..

_I have to leave..._

Tian came back with a first aid kit. Mo was still standing where he was, not moving. He was lost in his thoughts. His innocent heart debating with his wicked mind. One telling him not to be afraid, to try his best while the other was telling him not to be stupid, to get out of there and run as fast as he could. 

He didn't notice when Tian came close again. He got startle out of his thoughts when Tian took his hand again from underneath the water. His hand was freezing from staying so long under the cold stream. He could only watch when Tian brought his hand close to his mouth. He felt the warmth of Tian's breath warming his hand. 

'Don't.' 

He could not take it any longer. Why did it had to be Tian, why couldn't it be someone else. He was just messing with him, he could never like him that way when he has so many pretty girls around him. He felt stupid and his selfhate grew. 

'Relax, I'm only warming your hand, it's freezing.' 

Mo got provoked, quickly taking his hand back. His whole body took on a defensive appearance. He was not ready to accept this situation. Tian being Tian, an uncomfortable fucker who didn't understand Jackshit. How was he going to understand what Mo was feeling? He had to give up before he even started. 

'Don't be so dramatic. It's just a small cut, it happens all the time with cooking.' 

Mo needed to take care of his wound, make the damn curry and leave. 

'Let me treat your wound, that's the least I can do in return for dinner.' 

Mo didn't like the way this moment was going. He was pissed off. 

'You sound like I had a say in making you dinner. Like you didn't force me.' 

If Mo didn't look Tian in the eyes he would have never seen the flash of hurt that came as quickly as it disappeared. Mo was telling the truth, he was being forced. Even after they became so close he still did things that he didn't wanted to do. He never wanted to be there, alone with him. 

'Why are you being such a fucking asshole? I was just trying to help.' 

'Well don't, I didn't ask for it so leave me alone.' 

Their conversation was getting heated. He felt nauseous and dizzy. 

'If you want to leave, then leave. I thought we were past that, I thought we were close now and that you came because you wanted to, not because you were being fucking forced. ' 

Mo felt the anger inside of him growing into something that was far more vicious. Why was Tian being this way. Why couldn't he just leave his fucking hand alone. He cut it, so what. Why was he making such a big deal out of it. 

'Oh please Tian, stop pretending that you are good. What made you think that you were my friend? I never liked being around you, you would hit me everytime I refuse to do something for you. You never asked if I was okay with anything. You just did what you wanted, not giving a damn about me.' 

Mo was pushing him away, that was what he had to do. He was doing what his mind was telling him to do, not following his damn heart. 

'I fucking hated you from the beginning and I still do..' 

The hateful last words where nothing more but a whisper. Mo couldn't stop. He can't take it back anymore. He was afraid and he hated it. 

'Leave.' 

Tian's voice was full and loud of unspoken emotions. Mo knew that he was, in Tian's eyes, a dear friend. Like he once said, he was someone he admired. Mo could still hear Tian's plead, _don't abandon me._

Mo took off his apron and went to pick up his schoolbag. He was heading for the door. His eyes already starting to tear up, his heart hurting from saying such horrible words. He likes Tian and he didn't know how to handle it. 

'Mo.'  
He stopped just a few steps from the door. Tian sounding out of breath. 

'Do you mean it?' 

Mo closed his eyes, afraid that the tears would fall. He took an uneven and hasty breath. 

'Mo, do you...do you really hate me?' 

Mo couldn't answer, he kept reminding himself that it was for the best. 

_Don't fucking turn around._

'Please... whatever I did...please don't hate me..' 

Tian's voice sounded rough, he was heartbroken by those words.  
Mo's mind lost control over his body, making his heart the one he listened to. He turns around, his tears on the brick of spilling. He tried but he wasn't strong enough. 

Tian's eyes where full of hurt, cloudy. Mo had never seen him so upset.  
He dropped his bag on the floor and took a few steps towards Tian. 

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.' 

He took a few steps further, afraid to completely close the gap. He kept a safe distance between them. Tian only looked at him. His eyes, face and body stayed the same. Vulnerable like a child.

'Tian, I don't hate you. I said those words to hurt you, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, please don't look at me like that. I'll explain...' 

Tian put his hands on his face after hearing Mo's apology. Tian wasn't crying, he just felt relieved and exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Stay tuned~


	3. Confessio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy~♡

They both sat on the floor in Tian's almost empty bedroom. Next to each other. No one said anything after they sat down. Mo took some drinks out of the fridge and some snacks. While Tian didn't move from his spot, looking worn out. 

After Mo sat back down he was ready to tell him everything. He never wanted to see Tian in that state again. Pushing him away in that manner and hurting him was unfair.  
He took a deep breath, afraid of the outcome to his confession. 

'This morning I felt asleep just after second period. I got a fucking nightmare and I woke up stressed out. I thought I could get some fresh air and cool my head down. Before I knew it I came looking for you. Unintentionally.' 

Mo smiled at the memories that he will never erase out of his mind. He took a big sip from his drink, trying to calm his nerves down. 

'You where laughing and smiling stupidly at my sleeping mark. I felt embarrassed. And than you...than you...shit than you held my face...' 

He hugged one of his legs and faced the other way. Not wanting Tian to see his face. He had to cough to continue, feeling embarrassed by saying everything out loud. 

'You held me so gently...I...I knew from than on that I kind of..you know... don't freak out okay, but ahm..I like you... My heart accepted something in that moment that I denied for so fucking long.' 

Tian turned his head to look at him. Mo took a mouthful from his soda. 

'I was afraid that you would find out and you would make fun of me, you wouldn't take me seriously and that would have hurt.' 

Mo still didn't face Tian. 

'Earlier I say those words because I wanted to push you away. To make it easier for you. I wanted to hurt you so that you would hate me. I mean..two guys, you think it's disgusting, right?' 

_I'm regretting knowing you._

'Tian, I really like you.' 

Mo could feel his eyes filling themselves with painful tears again.  
Ofcourse Tian hates this, who in their right minds would accept him. A brainless, poor, plain looking guy.. 

'I'm sorry you have to hear such a confession from a guy. From me.' 

Tian turned to focus on the many stars in the sky. He took a few sips from his can, looking and feeling confused about how to start talking. 

'Ahm.. to tell you the truth, I..I wasn't expecting this. I mean..ahm..your words, right now. Everything you're saying.' 

He looked down at his can that was almost empty. Mo scoffed a little, he expected to be turned down. He tries his best not to sound or look hurt. But inside he was wrecked. 

'Dude, it's okay. You don't have to answer that, I already know. I just wanted to tell you so that I can get it off my chest. I don't want to feel awkward around you.' 

Mo now turned to look at Tian, who was still looking at his can. He looked conflicted, his eyebrows almost touching.

'I hope this doesn't change our friendship... Don't worry, I won't try anything. Ever. I won't follow my feelings, I'll deal with it.' 

He took another deep breath. Breathing seems to get harder the more he talked. 

'I know I shouldn't be asking favours but Tian can you do me a favour?' 

He knows that he wasn't in any position to ask for favours. They where friends and if they both wanted to keep it that way than he had to ask for a favour. 

'If you still want to be friends, can you stop touching me the way you always do? Or say things that may lead me on to think that you feel something more for me too? I know that you don't do it on purpose but I...' 

Mo doesn't want to continue.   
'I want to forget.' 

When Tian didn't say anything Mo felt like it was time to leave. He should give him some time and space. Tian must be extremely uncomfortable. 

'Well I should go, it's pretty late. I still have to do that damn math homework, it's a real pain in the ass.' 

Mo is trying to keep it casual, like this wasn't a big deal. But it was getting more and more awkward as Tian didn't answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still don't know how the story will evolve.  
> Hope you stay here with me to see the ending :)


	4. Poenitet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy some feelings ♡

They stayed in silent for a good minute. Mo felt that it should be a good amount of time to give someone to answer back, regardless of the news. The cans of drinks where already empty. 

Mo sighed before he tried to take the empty can out of Tian's hands to start cleaning up. His fingers briefly brushed against Tian's hand. In that second Mo has never felt such an intense feeling of yearning. Tian would always touch him first. 

_Why didn't I notice this earlier that thi-?_

Tian slapped Mo's hand making the can fly against the window. It shocked them both.  
Mo felt his heart ache with such an intense pain, he was ashamed of himself. He had seen that coming but he wasn't expecting it to have such an effect on him. 

_I deserve it.._

Tian is being to nice about the whole situation, he should have just thrown him out the minute he confessed. He stood up and backed a few inches away from Tian. 

'Sorry, I..ahm..I was just trying to take the can and clean up.' 

The pain that his heart was trying to process was now battling through his whole body. His mind was taking control again. 

_Say something._

Tian should curse him out or yell, punch him or do anything, say anything. Mo couldn't take the silence. Tian needs to say it out loud. 

'You should say something. Anything. I..' 

What could Mo possibly say to save this, he can't take his feelings back. It was already in the open. 

'I need to know Tian, I know I'm being unfair right now. But I need to know...are we still friends? Can we still be like before?' 

_Please...please...answer Goddamnit._

Tian stood up but wasn't really looking at him.  
Mo has used up all his heart. He has no more to say. 

'I don't know what to think... You don't give me time to think. All of a sudden you-' 

Mo had one solution for making Tian chose between stangers, friends or lovers...  
Mo suddenly was in front of him, standing extremely close. 

_I'm sorry..for breaking my promise._

He leaned his head so his temple could touch Tian's temple. He brought their faces so close, both feeling the other's warm breath. One smelling like sweet tobacco, the other like strawberry chocolate. 

'Mo what are yo-' 

Mo put both his hands on each side of Tian's face going all the way back to his nape. Gently and soft, just like how Tian touched him. It was intimate and something they've never done before. Something Mo was always afraid of.

Tian didn't move a muscle, didn't push him away. Too lost in the moment. Mo could only whisper, no longer capable of making any more sound. 

'Do you think this is disgusting?' 

Mo could only hear Tian's heavy breathing. He couldn't figure out why Tian hasn't pushed him away yet. His mind gave him a hint of an awful feeling called hope... 

He took a leap of faith and did something he never thought he was capable of. Mo closed his eyes, held his breath and left a small and soft peck on Tian's upper lip. It lasted a bit longer than what Mo intended to do. But it was impossible to let go. He was gone. Gone in the moment. His heart started to beat frantically. 

Mo had his hands still at the back of Tian's nap, slowly caressing his soft hair. Mo didn't feel Tian react at all. 

_He's not kissing me back.._

An error came, he saw it with his eyes closed, in big fucking red letters. Telling him what the hell he was trying to do.  
Like the speed of light he was off of Tian, he took a huge step back. His eyes where wide open, his hands on his mouth. Shaking, as he got his answer. Tian had a painful expression on his face. 

_Shit._

How could he have a taste of something that was forbidden? How was he ever going to kiss another? He could never. Tian's lips, so soft. He wanted that affection for so long, he only figured it out in that exact moment. He wanted Tian more than anything in the world. Yet he couldn't... 

Without saying anything he ran as fast as he could to the living room to his backpack. Leaving Tian completely stunned. Just nailed to the fucking ground. 

'Wait.. Mo..' 

Tian looked up, his vision now clear. But Mo..nowhere to be found. 

Tian ran as fast as he could, only just to caught sight of Mo running through the front door. Tian followed him. Shouting Mo's name, telling him to stop. Which seems to make Mo run faster and Mo was a good runner. 

Tian lived on the top floor of a 45-floor apartment building. Mo didn't hesitate to take the stairs, knowing if he waited for the elevator that Tian would catch him. 

'Stop Mo...GODDAMNIT WOULD YOU FUCKING STOP!' 

When that didn't work, Tian hoped for the best and let his right foot tangle with his left one. Making him fall. When Mo heard him fall he stopped. The fear of getting Tian hurt replaced his fear of what he had done and said. 

'TIAN?' 

He went back up, as fast as he could. He saw Tian sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the wall, he was holding his ribs. Mo immediately was by his side, checking if he was okay. He was visibly shaking. 

'Are you okay? Is it bad? Let me see.' 

Tian was breathing heavily, it hurts like a bitch. Mo was still busy looking for wounds. 

'What the fuck where you trying to do?! Get yourself killed you dumbshit!?' 

Mo's fear got quickly replaced by anger. But it was more worry than anger.  
Tian tries to speak, he forced himself to. 

'I...mmm shit this hurts more than I thought. I couldn't let you go like that. I want to talk, we weren't finished.' 

Mo helped Tian up and let him lean on him. Without saying anything further they found their way back up to Tian's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading~


	5. Dubium.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy~
> 
> ps. I changed this chapter as I was not fully satisfied with it.

He slowly settled Tian down on the couch. He has to take care of him. He could feel that he has lost all grip on himself, he tried so hard not to be this person. Yet with Tian he loses any sense of self. 

'I'm getting the first aid-kit in the kitchen and some ice.’ 

When he came back, he found Tian looking straight ahead without moving or blinking his eyes. His eyes... they harboured something dark that made Mo stop in his tracks. He stood a few meters from him. He didn’t dare to go closer as he did so much wrong. What would become of them after his actions? He didn’t think this through. 

_I fucked_ _up..._

Why didn't he stay away? Why did he had to search Tian this morning? He should have sorted his damn feelings out before causing all this mess. Instead, he came to his house, cooked and made their relationship uncertain. 

_What was I expecting?_

He gave himself hope and now he's suffering the consequences. He approached Tian carefully, almost like approaching a wild animal. Not knowing what the other would say or do. Knowing Tian to well and understanding his unstable nature. 

'Here.’ 

Mo kept himself from any physical contact. He took a few steps back after handing Tian the ice-bag, giving him some space. Tian give him a small thanks. 

'I know you hate hospitals but... I'll call your brother or Qiu, one of them can take you.' 

‘No, I don't want HIM here.’ 

It was good that he kept a distance between them, he could read Tian better. The way he said his words, they were full of loathing. Tian saw what those words did to Mo, he sighed and laid down on the couch. 

‘Sorry, just...just don’t call my brother. I’m fine, I just need to rest.’ 

Mo moved to the kitchen without a word. His head empty and full at the same time. 

This time he approached Tian faster, he wanted to get out of there. 

‘Here, some painkillers.’ 

He handed him some painkillers and a bottle of water. He sat at the end of the couch far from Tian. Maybe he should leave after Tian falls asleep, what kind of a person was he if he left a person like that. That’s not how his mother raised him. He put his hands on the back of his head and bowed his head down letting his elbows rest on his legs. A sign that he was extremely stressed out. Tian places the bag of ice on his ribs and covered his eyes with his other arm. 

'I'm sorry.' 

He said it just loud enough for Tian to hear it. How many times did he apologized today? When Mo exhaled it, Tian inhaled. 

'Stop apologising for god's sake. Stop making me rethink my sentences every time you say or do something. Could you just give me a fucking second?' 

Mo should have been worried about the words but he knew Tian wasn’t angry when he said them. It was more like Tian was unsure of the whole situation Mo put him in. Mo caught himself before he can mumble an apology again. It seems it became a habit by now.

'Shit, Mo I can't.’ 

Mo’s heart dropped for the millionth time. 

_You expected it. You expected it. You expected it. Don't be so surprised._

‘Not today, I'm too tired to think. Can you help me up to bed?' 

_Don’t get your hopes up again, you idiot._

'Yeah, yeah sure.' 

He helped him up and took him to his bedroom where they were a few moments ago. He let go immediately after Tian took place on the bed. He's avoiding unnecessary contact. 

'Well. So, I’m going now for real.' 

He should win an award for not breaking apart and cry uncontrollably. He's holding it all in too well. Knowing that the more he did, the bigger the damage would be afterwards. He simply cannot help it. This is who he is as a person, trying way to hard not to express himself to others. And when he does, he always regrets it afterwards.... 

'No, it's too late Mo. Call your mom and stay over, you can sleep on the couch-' 

'Tian.' 

It was a warning. A warning to not go further. 

'For once please Mo, don't argue with me tonight.' 

Tian sounded so tired, there was no place for bullshit. Mo shouldn’t pick a fight at this moment. It was best to just listen for once without pushing. Mo didn't like being controlled, didn’t like to do what others wanted from him, however tonight he will obey... 

He called his mom and left a voicemail, she was working the late-night shift at the retirement home. After his call he went back to Tian. 

'Is everything okay? Do you need something?' 

Not being in the same room for a moment made him awkward and nervous, he didn’t know what to do nor say. He’s used to being judged, being told directly what he was and what someone though about him. Now, with Tian, he just didn’t know as long as Tian didn't say it.

'I'm fine, it doesn't hurt that much anymore.' 

_Liar._

'Can you get my phone charger? It's in the plug next to the TV.' 

Mo got him the charger and handed it over. He noticed that Tian's face had a slightly pinkish colour around his cheeks and eyes. He knew what that meant.

'Tian, do you have a fever?' 

'No, I'm fine.' 

Mo got a hold of his forearm. It was unusual warm. Tian didn't shake his hand off much to Mo's surprise. 

'Tian, are you kidding me?' 

He quickly placed his hands on his neck and his forehead. He was burning. 

'You idiot! You have a fever! Why didn't you tell me?' 

'It's no big deal. I'll sleep and it'll go away on its own.' 

'For fuck's sake! You're unbelievable.' 

Mo turns around to get some cold towels. He already gave him some painkillers that will take care of the headache and soreness. 

Tian grabbed his wrist a bit too hard for Mo’s liking. 

'I said I'm fine! Can't you just listen to me! Why can't you just leave it and mind your own business!' 

Mo got startled by the way Tian raised his voice, not like it never happend but now it was different. He hated it but he somehow understood. Being sick means being vulnerable and you don't show that to just anyone. Tian's upbringing was showcasing in that moment. 

_Don't_ _ever show_ _weakness_ _._

Mo had to calm down his nerves, he wanted to shout back so bad but he knew how Tian's behaviour could be unpredictable. The last thing he wants is to fight. 

'I don't want to argue with you about this. You're sick and I'm going to get cold towels to bring your fever down.' 

Mo didn't want to argue with a sick person. It was useless and stupid. Luckily Tian let go. 

When he came back with a bowl of water and some towels, Tian went to sleep. He curled in his enormous blanket like a child. Mo got him, half asleep, to first take off his clothes to change into fresh ones. Mo almost laughed, him doing this was to crazy for words. He was glad Tian was sleeping or he was endlessly teased for taking care of Tian. He became gloomy again after thinking about their relationship after this. He carefully cleaned his arms, collar, neck and face. He placed a towel on his neck and one on his forehead. Thinking about how his mom does it when he is sick. 

He doesn’t know much about Tian’s family. He knows that Tian doesn’t like to talk about it and he isn’t one to intrude in the private life of someone. But he has to admit that sometimes he was curious. He knew they're a small family of three, they're in some shady business and are filthy rich. 

He got on the bed next to Tian and sat crossed legged. He was so tired from school, his part-time job and now his emotions and his relationship with Tian. Things couldn't get anymore complicated or worse...

Tian started to turn and frown, he was in pain. He was sweating a lot, it seems he was having a bad dream. 

'Mom...' 

Mo couldn't help but touch his cheek and left his hand there to linger. He held one of his hands like he did weeks ago when he was lying in his bed after missing for a few days. He held his hand tight, to let Tian know that someone was there for him. Even though it was someone he didn't love... 

Mo closed his eyes. 

\--- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a second to finish this short chapter..  
> I hope everyone got a somehow good Christmas, I know it wasn't the same as the other years because of the virus...  
> This story got a bit delayed as it got a bit hectic at my workplace. Oh well, let's think and be positive :D  
> I wish you all a Happy New Year! Let's pray that 2021 will be 2021% better :)

**Author's Note:**

> Always open to suggestions or advice!  
> Stay tuned!


End file.
